Overwhelm

So, it has been a little while since my last blog entry.  The reason?  A state of overwhelm.  Although I find writing to be reflective and cathartic, it is simultaneously just another task that I feel I should be doing, but don’t really want to. 
I may have mentioned before that it is tough work to just “be” after losing the love of your life.  And if you have experienced this, you know what I mean.  But for those who have not, I sometimes feel that you don’t believe me, or think I am being dramatic or attempting to be funny.  But honestly, a lot of the time the word “overwhelmed” is an understatement. 
For example, I used to be appalled by anyone who did not brush their teeth twice a day – like hello, that is something everyone just does, period.  But now, I sometimes have trouble remembering when the last time I brushed my teeth was.  Is that disgusting?  Yes.  Does it matter?  Not always.  Let me break it down… I went from brushing my teeth twice a day because that is basic (not optional) hygiene and because I loved kissing my husband.  Now, I really would rather stay up all night rather than face the task of brushing my teeth before bed.  Likewise, numerous simple tasks can be compared to looking up at a mile-high brick wall that you have to scathe in the next 30 seconds with no props or assistance.  Ie:  Sometimes I am thirsty, but I discover that my water bottle is empty.  And rather than refilling it, I just remain thirsty.  I literally get dressed in steps, putting my socks on a half hour after my pants and shirt, because I just don’t have the energy all at once.  Often when I am driving and realize I need my sunglasses, rather than taking the energy to fish them out of my purse on the passenger seat, I just put my sun visor down and suffer.  When I go to pay bills, it is a several-day multi-step deal.  First, I open all of the bills and stack them on the counter.  Then a couple days later, I get my checkbook out of my purse and place it on top of the stack.  Then a couple days after that, I write checks for the bills due and put them in the mail.  Efficient?  No.  But my reality none the less.  And all of those things that I “should” be doing for my health: exercise, yoga, meditation, journaling… are you kidding me?  I do not have the will nor the energy.  I will watch an entire movie with the sound too low because the volume button on the remote doesn’t work and I don’t want to get out of the chair to turn it up on the t.v. 
Overwhelmed is an understatement.  Love brought out the best in me.  Grief has brought out the worst.