I had dinner with some good friends the other night and life was good. Today, it is rainy and quiet – one of those days that are good for snuggling under a blanket with a cup of hot tea and a book… but I am sad. I sit here in the house that I shared with my husband and everything just feels wrong. And what I mean is that everything about life without him feels wrong and empty and purposeless. I stayed up late last night reading some short books by someone I know who lost her husband within a year of me losing Jake. Her journey has been much different than mine. I know that there is not a checklist for grief, that you can’t just follow outlined steps and arrive at healing. But how are you really supposed to grieve? This woman writes that faith, strength, and fortitude have been her guides and saviors. I have strength and fortitude. Maybe what I am lacking is faith. The two of us share parts of our journeys – therapy, meditation, journaling, grief literature. But where she has moved forward, I have not. One of my therapists told me not to compare – that no two people are alike, no two journeys are alike, and there is no single answer for everyone. But it is hard not to compare. Within a year, she had fallen in love again, become engaged, and pregnant. It is five years since the death of my husband and I hate it if a guy even looks at me. She is happy; I am not. She works out regularly. A formerly avid exerciser, I cannot find the motivation or desire to commit to a routine for more than a few days in a row. Three differences now… faith, another man/love, and exercise. Are those the three key ingredients to happiness? And since I’m counting, I’d say there is at least a fourth as well. My outlook on life is much different than hers. I guess this could be summed up as disengagement for me. I do my work, I occasionally meet with friends, and both of those things give me pleasure. But I have lost my passion for life, for love, for pretty much everything. If I change my outlook, if I start each day with gratitude and positive affirmations, will my passion resurface? Is this something I can force until it becomes natural? Wait, five differences. I am also very isolated in both my location and my work. I often go days without seeing another person. That seems like a big one. And looking outward is easier than looking inward. As a problem solver, logistics rather than faith, outlook, passion, & motivation seems doable. More than that though, a location change offers the opportunity for social engagement, which time has revealed I yearn for and which will likely prompt those things deep inside me to reawaken.
And now delving even deeper, I wonder if it is also that I haven’t put my strength and fortitude to work inwardly? I think I am onto something here. Jake’s death has been too gut-wrenchingly painful for me to actually accept or explore. I live the reality of it every second of every day, but I haven’t actually processed it and accepted it as what is to be, now and going forward in this life. Perhaps, with time and reflection, I am just now discovering a multitude of ways, all connected, to get unstuck. That makes sense to me. It feels right. It is almost even exciting.
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