Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. The day my husband died was the worst day in all eternity.
Why? Why did he have to die? Why was he taken so prematurely from this life? I will likely never get answers to these questions. Nonetheless, my life was turned upside down. Being with Jake was like coming home. Now I am lost, empty, broken-hearted. I told him when we first started dating that I was a happy person already, but that he made me very happy. And together, we were over the moon. He was my rock, my home, my lover, my favorite person in the world. When I was with him, everything was okay. Mind you, I maintained my independence throughout our relationship, stubbornly resisting his help, needing to prove to myself and to him that I was capable of taking care of myself. Now I would give anything to be able to lean on him, to have him wrap me in his arms, to let him be the gentleman cowboy that he was – saddling my horse, making me a cup of his fiercely strong coffee in the morning, letting me warm my feet on his body as we got into bed. How does one go from being on top of the world in love to waking up alone every morning trying hard not to hate life?
Contact:
2 responses to “Crashing Down”
Sarah, I love you. I will hug you anytime.
I hope this process is able to bring you some peace and healing. Although I can not relate to losing a spouse, I have experienced the loss of those I loved fiercely. The holes left in family gatherings is real and the voicemails they left you or videos you took of them that you replay just to give yourself the illusion they are still with you in some way. I have come to the realization there is no cure for the heartache but reflecting and sharing stories and memories of them in conversations doesn’t cause the same overwhelming sense of loss as it used too. It still makes you miss them and wish their presence was still there but I just try to bring them along in a different way.
I have a lot of respect for you and how you have continued on since his passing. I see the loneliness, struggles to stay positive, and not let the anger of the unfair circumstances absorb you. I think you do the best you can to live out the life and dreams you both had.
I didn’t get a chance to meet him or see the dynamics of your relationship but I know beyond a doubt that he valued your well being above his own. I also have no doubt that your happiness was his daily mission. The life you lived wasn’t always easy and you had a true partnership to get through tough times. It’s obvious he would want you to find your joy and not lose your love of life, even without him. That is probably, one of the things, that he loved most about you. That is what we all love about you.
I am here for you always whether that’s a text, a call, NOLA, or a beach somewhere (which sounds the best right now 🥶). I love that you are finding outlets to try to help unload the grief. Love you Sister ♥️