I just finished When Your Soulmate Dies by Alan Wolfelt.  It is the first time since my husband died that I felt like someone truly understood what my grief has been like.  I am sure it was partly the timing of the reading, as people were generous with gifting me books on grief and healing soon after the passing of my husband, but I couldn’t focus and nothing really resonated or felt like it was relevant to my specific situation.  But even more so than the timing, I think this book is different.  I am not just grieving the loss of a loved one or the loss of a spouse; I am grieving the loss of the love of my life, the loss of my other half, the loss of my soulmate.
And when you lose your soulmate, all of that unsolicited advice such as, “He is in a better place now,” and “He would want you to be happy,” and “You have to move on” doesn’t fit your situation.  It is impossible to move on; you don’t know where you’re going.  Actually, it is more than that… you don’t even care if you live.  You wake each day with an emptiness that can never be filled.  Your life as you know it is over and yet, you’re still here.  I lost my passion for everything.  I no longer cared about anything.  I just wanted to die so that I could hopefully be reunited with my husband, my lover, my other half.  A part of me still feels that way, but the reality of my situation, my aloneness, the fact that he really isn’t coming back, has slowly started to creep in.  And now I feel like I can finally face some of those tough decisions – decisions related to how I want to go forth alone.  I have been living a “shadow-life” as Wolfelt describes it, but I cannot do that forever.  I have lost the sense of who I am.  And yet, I am not the same person I was when he was still alive.  I somehow have to find who the new me is – the me who must still have passions and interests, the me who is sad but grateful to have experienced a love many only dream of, the me who will always have a broken heart.